Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Time to Train Again

Paul and I hit the pavement yesterday for some serious training. Basically, it's a combination of explosion and balance. Check it out but don't try this at home or you might hurt yourself. Remember, not everyone was cutout to be a Gladiator, just hard core dudes like me and the actual Gladiators and future Gladiators. Hey, who knows, if you train real hard, you might be a future Gladiator on American Gladiators! So, maybe do try this at home but only if you want to be an American Gladiator:

Balance is something that I've talked about before. If you can't balance, then you can't compete. This is yet another area where beer is vital. Beer may help you with your strength and diction, but it makes balancing a whole lot harder. If you can pound like nine or ten beers and then complete this exercise routine without losing your balance, you might be ready for the big time.

First, you'll need a training partner like Paul. That guy takes training to the extreme. If you aren't living on the extreme, then you're not going to be a Gladiator, you're going to be an accountant or a lawyer or a doctor or something and you'll spend the rest of your life trying to get everyone to respect you only they'll be all, "Yeah, right, doctor. Why would I respect a guy who puts his fingers in dudes' butts?"

You wouldn't.

You respect dudes in awesome uniforms who fight each other with giant foam sticks. You respect Gladiators.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Training Partner Approved

Hey everybody, meet Paul, he's the only guy who answered all the questions good enough. Actually, he only got to the Natural Ice part and then we both had like fifteen beers and fell asleep watching Epic Movie, which Paul has on DVD. That movie was so funny, I almost peed myself! Also, I almost peed myself because of all those beers. But I ended up not doing it because I toughed it out.

Paul has a background in owning a truck, which is pretty great because I normally like to walk to the store so I can do my hammer curls with the 30 packs. But Paul showed me that if you carry the beers in the truck, you can carry way more beer than just walking and then you have more weights for hammer curls later. So, even though you're not doing curls all the time, you have more beer and he showed me that that's what's most important because of the carbs.

Paul has some pretty crazy ideas for training that I am ready for. He's all about explosion and surprise and he thinks that I've really got a shot at this thing. Then he said, "No, you don't have a shot," and I was sad for a minute. But then he said, "Yeah right! You definitely have a shot!" That's how I knew he was good at surprise because he totally surprised me there!

Epic Movie was especially funny because of that part when they make fun of all those other movies. I was thinking, "Hey, I loved that movie and now I get to see it again in another movie... only funny!" Man, what a great idea. Anyway, Paul is gonna help me train, so if you thought I was tough before, get ready to freak out because I'm taking it to the next level!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Training Partner Interview

Hey guys, sorry about the delay in writing on my website. I was looking over some of responses I got from the Craig's List website and after throwing out the clowns out there who weren't ready for a real commitment, I got some dudes that were ready to go. I called a bunch of them and I think I may have found a training partner for real!

In order to figure out who could really cut the mustard, I asked a bunch of questions to all the potential interview guys. Here's how they went, only, when you read them, flex all your muscles real hard because that's how I asked them. After all, I don't want them to think that they're going to be training with some fancy pants pretender! When you flex all your muscles to talk, it makes it sound like you mean serious business. You can even try it at business as well as for interviews. If you're flexing when you're boss is in the room, you're way more likely to get that raise.

Anyway, here are the questions:

1) What beers do you think are the best for training?
2) Who is the best American Gladiator of all time?
3) If you were in space, how would you know what time it is?

The answer to number one is obviously Natural Ice. Why? Well, because it's all natural, obviously! I don't want people to think I'm drinking steroids or anything. You need natural ingredients in order to make sure that you don't test positive for anything and Natural Ice is the most natural of all beers.

The answer to number two is a trick question: all American Gladiators are equally the best because they made it to being Gladiators in the first place. Do you think they take just anyone from the street and say, "Hey, why don't be a Gladiator?" No way! They use only the finest athletes on Earth. Picking the best one would be like trying to pick the best Journey song on their Greatest Hits album.

The answer to number three is another trick question and you have to be pretty smart to figure it out. I'll bet you didn't figure it out, did you! The way you tell time in space is to look at your watch! See? You've got to be strong and smart to be a Gladiator. It's not just your arm muscles and back muscles that make you the best, it's the brain muscles too!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Craig's List Part II

Okay, this isn't working out like I thought it was gonna work out.

I thought that I could use the computer to find out ways and people to help me get in better shape and punch better and get more ready for the American Gladiators but that's not the way it goes. I asked a simple question on Craig's List (the website for people looking for help with things) and it started out good but ended with some jerks cracking wise at me. This is what I mean:


See? My first question was supposed to get me help with my punching (I don't fight dirty, but you never know when you're gonna need to do some punching. Plus, I've heard that punching is good for exercise too), and some of the guys were helpful, but the last guys were making fun of my website and saying I'm a goof and a gag.

I'll bet that those guys are all computer nerds and they're just jealous because I'm in the best shape of my life and they're all fat and can only get girls who like computer guys which I'm pretty sure is NO GIRLS! Also, they keep saying that I'm not for real, which is flat out not true. Let me spell it out for you.

I am NOT joking around. Does THIS look like the face of a guy that's joking around?

I didn't think so! Thanks to the real athletes out there for their tips on punching. If I meet the jerks, then you can be sure I'll try out your suggestions on them.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Craig's List

As you guys know, I'm a real good athlete. I train like I'm supposed to just about every day and the results (a.k.a. my guns and speed) pretty much speak for themselves. Here's the thing though, the American Gladiators not only train like me, but they get to train against each other.

That's when I realized that I need a training partner. I was gonna just start calling up Gladiators for a challenge, but I'm not sure I'm ready just yet. Also, if I am ready, I don't want to beat up too many guys on the show or they'll probably not let me on the show. So, I figured that I need to find someone else who I can train with and compete against who is as tough a guy as me.

That's why I put this on Craig's List, which is like a free place to get stuff and people for stuff on a website. Here's my link for my listing:

If you see this and you're interested in getting down and sweating hard, send me an email. But no weirdos, okay? I'm not trying to make friends; I'm trying to get on a TV show.

This is the picture I used. I wanted to use a no nonsense photo to scare off the chumps.

Monday, July 14, 2008


The word of the day is "improvisation." That means when you improvise things. Let me give you an example, if I'm walking down the street and I decide, "Hey, screw this! I'm running," and I start running... BOOM! I just improvised the street into my own personal gym.

Here's the deal. I'm a busy guy and I've got a lot going on in my life. I mean, I've got a cat...

Also, I'm obviously in training for American Gladiators to be the next American Gladiator. So, that's two things and they both pretty much take up my whole day, every day. Also, I sleep and eat and go to the bathroom all the time. Actually, ever since I started eating so much steak and beers all the time, I've been going to the bathroom A LOT!

Improvisation is what people do when they want to do something that makes whatever they're doing better or do two things where most people would do one thing. Check this out:

Here you see me improvising a bunch of stuff. First of all, I'm improvising because I'm using beers for a thing that it's not usually used for, which is drinking it. No way! I'm definitely gonna drink it, but since I have to take it home anyway, I'm gonna do beer curls! Can you see my guns? Those didn't come from lifting wine coolers like some pansy! Nope, I'm talking about all American, ice cold beers in cardboard boxes. That's how you get into the kind of shape that I'm in, which is great shape.

Another thing I improvise is that I have a port-o-john in my yard that I use for two things:

1. As a port-o-john (like I said, with the amount of fuel a.k.a. beer and steak that I eat, you need to have a backup john ready to go at all times just in case your regular john in the house can't take the beating I have ready to go after a long day of training),
2. As a place to gather my thoughts.

That's not completely fair though, because, to be fair, I do a lot of gathering my thoughts while I'm using the port-o-john for its primary function.

Anyway, work on some of these beer curls that I'm demonstrating for you in this video. You could use normal dumbbells for curls, but then you couldn't drink them afterwards. That's why I'm gonna be the next American Gladiator and not some fitness whiz kid like Billy Blanks from that Thailand exercise crap.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

MySpace Website

I wanted to let you know that we're taking this computer stuff into the 20th century! Not only do I have this website where I let you guys know about my training and my great ideas, I also have a MySpace website where I can meet people and get to know my competition (a.k.a. the American Gladiators). You can go to it here:

I'm not here to make friends, but you can make friends with me on that site anyway. Who knows, maybe I'll give you some tips for training.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Explosion and Surprise

Sorry I didn't make another article yesterday, I was working on a video for you guys. I know that you guys are learning a lot from my articles and pictures, but I thought that since we have all this high tech computer stuff, we might as well use it!

The secret to training is two things: explosion and surprise.

First of all, when you explode into your workouts, you get them done faster.  Faster equals better, that's rule number one.  Watch how, in the video, I have perfect balance.  You may not be able to use the ball if you're weak or a lady or both, so start out using your sofa.  Anyway, great balance allows me to really pop my elbow when I'm exploding.  When you do this workout right, you get the benefit of really working the elbow and also your chest.  The harder that the weight hits you in the chest, the more ready you're gonna be when a Gladiator tries to kick your butt, or, in this case, your chest.  Pain equals gain, that's also part of rule number one.

The second thing about training is number two.  That's surprise.  You have to try and beat your muscles and bones the way that Patton beat those Asian fellas in World War I.  How did he do that?  Surprise, of course!  He didn't just waltz into China and start throwing grenades!  No, he sneaked into China and started throwing grenades!  Anyway, nothing beats the element of surprise, except maybe explosion, which is why they are both so important.  If you do it right, the muscles in your chest and elbow are really gonna hurt, but that's okay, because that means you're doing it right.

Enjoy the video, guys.  I hope it doesn't make you too strong though, because the competition to be the next American Gladiator is pretty darn stiff as it is!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Old Lady Makes the Show

I know that if you are reading my website, you are probably a big fan of American Gladiators the show as well as my American Gladiators website (this website). Well, by now you know that I'm 52 and that I've been training real hard to make it as the next American Gladiator. A lot of people think I'm no way gonna be an American Gladiator on account of my being 52, but check out this news from the show:

Okay, if your computer won't click that, let me tell you about it. There's this lady and she's 52 (like me!) and she's gonna be on the show! Now, she's not gonna be a Gladiator and it doesn't look like she's been training that hard, but now nobody can say that 52 years old is too old for American Gladiators. You take this lady and think about how much training I do and now I'm like a shoe in instead of a long shot.

By the way, this lady seems pretty tough, but most of the time I'm like twice as fast as ladies at my gym and way, way stronger. While they're wasting their time on treadmills, I'm throwing down beers and working my elbows, neck and lower back AT THE SAME TIME! Ladies are great for raising kids but I don't know if they make the best Gladiators because I don't think they're training right. Was Nitro a lady? Was Gemini a lady? I don't think so! So, if this lady can make it plus me being a dude, I feel like I'll probably make it and also be great.

Now, that's the kind of math you can set your watch to. Bring it on!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Independence Day

Today is the birthday or America, which is one of the most important birthdays in the world. Aside from Jesus' birthday, it might be the most important day on the planet. If Jesus was born on the fourth of July, I don't even know what would happen because everyone would probably party way too much. But I don't think that's possible because I'm pretty sure Jesus came before Julius Caesar and that's why July is called that anyway. I'm a bit of a history buff, if you didn't know that.

So, nobody expected me to be training today on account of how it's a holiday, but check this out: I'm gonna train today anyway! Here's the thing, the Fourth is filled with crap like eating burgers and drinking beers and lighting off fireworks. To me that seems like all I have to do is throw in a couple of sit ups and I've got my protein, carbs and exercise all in one day, plus I get to celebrate the birth of the greatest country in the world!

Let's face it, nothing is more American than American Gladiators and nothing is more American than the Fourth of July. Actually, I guess one of those has to be a little more American than the other because they can't both be the most American, but that's not important right now. What's important is that this Fourth of July, I'll be doing the most American thing ever on the most American day ever: training to become an American Gladiator!

This is where I shine. While everyone else is partying, I'll be slamming beers and chowing down on some burgers like a true athlete. No mercy, no days off, train hard, train more; that's my motto!